Speeches

What follows is a list of traditional speeches that are delivered by various participants. The first year, these can be very, very brief. I found that the first time I held a Burns night, no one had a clue what was to occur, they were just trusting friends that were more than willing to indulge me and partake of good food and drink. I delivered the Immortal Memory and had been able to coax a husband and wife team to come up with the Lads and Lassies toasts; they did a fantastic job after some brief research. I find that with suitable information provided to your victims, (I mean well chosen friends), most people find it fun to compose these light hearted speeches. As the years go by, a comfort level sets in and more and more people will be willing to take on the task of making a fool of themselves, (translate: delivering these memorable compositions).

The persons selected for these honors should be given plenty of time to work on their speeches. I would advise speaking to people a month or more ahead of time so that they have time to prepare both mentally and literally. It is helpful to provide them with information about where they can locate examples of such speeches. (See notes at the end of this section for links) A gentle reminder a couple of weeks prior to your event is advisable, a phone call to inquire how things are going and offer your help if necessary. I would then check in via email or phone call just a few days prior to make sure they on the right track, and offer to let them practice with you if they so desire. Rehearsal is always a good idea, out loud, in front of people that you are very comfortable with to build your confidence.

I try to foster a very supportive atmosphere on the evening itself, remind everyone that there is always next year and this is a participatory event. There will be, no matter what you do, those that are just too shy and self conscious to do this sort of thing. That’s perfectly alright, the key is to discern who just needs some support and encouragement and who is too scared silly to even try. The quiet ones need to be made to feel welcome and accepted for who they are; never pressure anyone that you perceive is truly frightened!

If you find no one willing to take on these tasks, either do it yourself, or skip it altogether and aim for next year. The point to this evening is to enjoy yourselves, don’t worry that things are not perfect, in time it will get there; this is not a static event, it should be alive, ever growing and evolving into what you and your guests envision this evening to be.

The Immortal Memory

The immortal memory speech should be an exposition on the life of Robert Burns. It may be mostly biographical in nature or a particular subject related to Burns’ poems may be expounded upon. This is entirely up to the composer. It should be short enough to hold everyone’s attention but long enough to remind everyone that “the man” is the reason for the celebration. There should be citations from some of his works – relevant to the content of the speech. The ending of the speech should always be a toast to the immortal memory of the Bard of Ayr and guests should stand and raise their glasses in a solemn salute to the man of the evening.

The Lads and Lassies Toasts

NOTE: ****It is advisable to find two persons of the opposite sex that can collaborate on the next two speeches. It is not totally necessary but it is helpful if they can play off of each other for even more humor. A husband and wife team can be very entertaining and avoid any chance of offending others.
These toasts are sometimes composed as verse but just as often in prose; either is totally appropriate.
And to show you what a good sport I am I have included examples from our last year’s dinner, written by myself and my son for the next two sections.

Toast to the Lassies

The toast to the lassies is made in recognition of the contributions of the fairer sex to the lives of their men. A person of quick wit and gentle humor should be sought for this portion. It can be done in the light hearted tone of a “roast” lampooning the general (but few) shortcomings of women. The speaker should aim for knowing laughs but ever mindful not to step over the line into dangerous territory that might offend. This should be tailored toward the sensibilities of the women present, keeping in mind that some might take things personally. He should end on a conciliatory and complimentary note as Burns loved his lassies and our men should too, and they should remember there is a reply coming!

2009 Toast to the Lassies by Paul

First, I want to thank our hostess for hosting this Scottish tradition in her home, cooking such wonderful food and plying the Toasters with such high quality alcohol.

Giving a toast to the Lasses is both a privilege in extolling the virtues of the fairer sex, so named for their attractiveness and less so for their fighting style, and an act of taking one’s own life in his hands in pointing out the foibles of our fair lasses while the silverware is still on the table.

Being a “father to be” has given me a new perspective on our ladies. The way they joyfully endure the “blessing” of pregnancy for nine months and the pain of childbirth are a wondrous thing that would leave most men begging for their mum’s if they had to endure it themselves.

I’ve been a conscientious student of my wife and other expecting lasses since finding out that I would soon be the father of a newborn. I believe I’ve made some important observations that are worth sharing.

From my observations it would seem that our ladies possess a significantly higher pain tolerance than us lads. I believe I have tracked this ability to the consumption of such odd concoctions as pickles and ice cream, Cheese Whiz on steak or brownie mix — straight from the bowl, which provides them with near super human power.

My study has also lead me to observe how our lasses deal with the sometimes uncomfortable nature of carrying around a little person who enjoys punching and kicking, as well as jumping on our ladies bladders. It seems that the way our lasses bodies handle this discomfort is to vent large amounts of emotions in short, compact amounts of time. To the untrained observer this may be a jolt to the system. A seemingly calm and reasonable lass may begin crying unexpectedly and become inconsolable at the sight of any “cute” image on the television.

While this may seem odd, let me assure you that it is perfectly natural behavior and just as God intended. One note of caution to the lads however, you may want to practice extreme caution during these “venting” periods or you may hear such phrases as “YOU did this to me!”, “this is all YOUR fault!” or “why don’t YOU try carrying around an eight pound bowling ball 24 hours a day and see what kind of mood that puts YOU in”.

Another area that can be confusing for a lad is their lasses reaction to their flirtatious behavior while they are pregnant. A lass never looks more beautiful to her lad than when she is carrying his progeny, however this can also be a mine field of a time for the most benign of comments. A simple “You look beautiful today sweetie” may elicit a comment like “No I don’t, I look fat!”. A confused lad may persist thinking he was unclear with his comment and say “No you don’t! You look wonderful, and very sexy today”. The lass is sure to reply with some sort of retort about swollen ankles, expanding tummies and gas that could knock over a cow NOT being very sexy”. It only takes a lad a few of these incidents before he realizes that further persistence will only result in comments like “YOU did this to me!”, “this is all YOUR fault!” or “why don’t YOU try carrying around an eight pound bowling ball 24 hours a day and see how sexy YOU feel”.

We should all be thankful for the lasses that bore us in their wombs, provided for us from birth and joyfully endured the “blessing” of pregnancy, all to bring us into the world.

Please raise your glass with me as we toast the lassies.

TO THE LASSIES!

Reply from the Lassies

The ladies respond to the lads by mentioning a few of their shortcomings as well, it is expected that some of the less desirable traits mentioned in the previous toast will be rebutted and turned around on the lad that brought them up. The speaker should always aim for universally recognized points of frustration and humor within the male/female relationship. Again, the end should be conciliatory and appreciative of the men in the lassies lives, where would we be without our lads?!

2009 Reply from the Lassies by Monalynn

I find that many of our small gathering here are loath to take it upon themselves the great, and fun, task of writing a reply from the Lassies. I had no problem attacking this task as I have 57 years of pent up frustration with the opposite sex. I was married once, and once was enough, and I raised two sons, (bless their hearts I do love them), and now that I find myself with one grandson and another on the way, it seems the Lord has decided to bless me with patience.

Not that I do not find men attractive to look at, and they are suitable companions for a dinner or an evening at the theater. They are, of course, wonderful in the area of lifting and moving things about if you sweetly request it. I freely admit that I would never have become so handy around the house had I not had the men in my life to advise me on how to do home repairs.

But there are notable design flaws (no offense to the higher power); He did manage to get it right on the second attempt so I find no fault with Him. Nonetheless let’s be honest, the memory capacity is greatly lacking in the first model, and I quote “If you need me to pick up more than three things at the store you MUST write out a list for me”, or “Is that today?”, or “Yes, I remember you mentioning something about that but you never reminded me.”

Second problem: the starter seems to jam constantly, repeated attempts at activating only result in explosions which are most unpleasant.

Third problem: vision flaws
“Honey, where’s the milk?”
“In the fridge sweetie.”
“Where in the fridge, darling? I don’t see it.”
“On the second shelf behind the orange juice love.”
“I’m looking; I don’t see it!”
“Here! Right in front of your nose!”
“Way back there? Well no wonder I didn’t see it, you should keep in the door like this!”

Ah well, discretion and a certain amount of healthy fear prevent me from continuing in this vein, but I am sure all those of the female persuasion here tonight can relate.

We do love our laddies though; they have a way of endearing themselves to us, something about those boyish good looks that remain at any age, and how quickly they can turn into our protectors and champions when our safety or honor has been encroached upon. We could’nae, nor would’nae, want to live without them in our lives; so ladies raise your glass in a toast to the laddies!

TO THE LADDIES!

Resource links for example speeches:

Immortal Memory

Immortal Memory Speech

http://www.worldburnsclub.com/expert/immortal_memory_michael_murray.html

Toast to the Lassies

http://www.scotsindependent.org/features/burns/lassies.htm

http://pahighlanders.tripod.com/id14.html

http://mjjhoskin.wordpress.com/2009/01/26/toast-to-the-lassies/

http://www.worldburnsclub.com/federation/fedsupper/david_shankland.html

Reply from the Lassies

http://www.robertburns.org/toast.html